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As a coach, you have the potential to significantly shape not only your players self-esteem but also how they view the world.
In many cases, the player coach relationship is stronger than almost any other adult-child relationship.
As a sports coach, you teach the only class that carries any meaning for some kids.
Coaches also have the privilege of leading one of the few activities where very often, both the adult and child are equally invested. Most kids don't care too much about what they learned in math, no matter how important the topic is to their math teacher. Sports is one of the few venues that is different; 9 times out of 10, the outcome of that game means just as much, if not more, to the player as it does to the coach.
Despite being aware of their potential impact, many coaches struggle to develop strong relationships with their players. They try to fit themselves into roles like "disciplinarian", or "buddy" , or others. Often they're only hurting the situation, if their response distracts from the Big Picture:
If you really want to make an impact in your player's lives, the best place to start is by dropping any preconceived ideas about what a "coach" is if those ideas cause you to act in a way that is not responsive to your team.
I'll try to condense that idea down to something more manageable: Here's the best I can do:
Stop following made-up rules about how a coach should act if they distract you from being a Teacher.
* Your first focus should always be on teaching basketball in a way that helps your team maximize on its potential. That is a coach's primary job.
* The positive impact that you can make as a coach comes through the game of basketball, not the other way around. If you aren't concerned with teaching the game well and only focus on being a positive role model, eventually people are going to start to question your motives.
Again, the coach's primary role is "teacher". Any other "rules" about who a "coach" is are only getting in the way influence you to act as anything other than a teacher.
What is teaching? I define it as changing behavior. If you aren't getting the changes in behavior that you should be getting from your team (in terms of basketball development or behavior), then you need to evaluate and adjust.
* How can a coach change behavior? A wise woman once told me that the coach's role in the learning/growth process can be defined in these terms: "Align" and "Confront". She was right.
* Some coaches go by a rule that sounds something like: "I need to be a 'disciplinarian.' All kids need is structure and tough love".
Well, kids do need structure, but if you're inflexible, or a poor communicator, or if you come off in a way that makes all of your players feel as though you don't care about them as people... don't expect to have a positive or lasting impact in their lives. How can you expect them to trust or respect you, if you never extend them the same?
You might feel that you have their respect because they do what ever you tell them to do. Try to consider that they might be doing whatever you say out of fear, or maybe it's just because they love basketball so much that they're willing to put up with you. It doesn't necessarily mean that they trust you, respect you.
* Other coaches go by this rule: "I need to be encouraging and give nothing but positive reinforcement. Kids just need someone to believe in them unconditionally and they will blossom". Well, it is true that kids need positive reinforcement; but they also need to be taught and to grow. And they need to respect you. For every 5 kids over the age of 10 that you can show me that needs nothing more than a 'nurturer', I'll show you 5 more who will make it their personal hobby to disrespect you if they think that you're afraid to set them straight every once in awhile. If those 10 kids are all on your team, you wont be able to get any of them to respond to you.
They resist at times because that is what kids do. They resist.
Most kids will resist at some point just to test you - to see if you're willing to confront them when necessary. If you don't confront them - you fail the test - and you fail to win their respect.
This is a difficult hole to dig yourself out of, so be aware. As a coach, you need to understand that they are going to test you, and you should be prepared to respond appropriately.
But kids do want to be taught, and to improve. They rely on their coach to be a major part of that process. How can you expect a player to grow if you aren't ever willing to confront them? You are't giving them the information they need to grow.
If your team gives a horrible effort in a game, they need a lot more than encouragement. They need to be told that they gave a horrible effort in that game, and that they should hold themselves to an expectation of always working to reach their potential.
Not only do they need to hear this, eventually your players will lose respect for you if you don't say it.
If you have done your job of teaching the game well, and if you have been flexible enough in your approach to align with them at the appropriate times, you'll usually be surprised to find that your team's most significant growth points occur when (or shortly after) you confront them.
* Other coaches strongly believe that: 'Good coaches never swear,' and that any coach who does swear will damage the player-coach relationship. One has nothing to do with the other. It's probably not a good idea to swear, but I have known coaches whose mouths would put some sailors to shame. Still, they have incredibly strong relationships with their players, and with the players' parents. That approach would probably get me fired from most schools, but somehow it works for them. Why does it work for them? Because they see the big picture, and don't let anything get in the way of them following the most important rule...
Be a teacher. Teach your players the game, and teach them your expectations for behavior.
Understand that in order to teach, you must "align" and "confront" depending on the situation: one approach without the other won't get the results you're looking for.
Do this consistently and you will develop strong, lasting relationships with your players that are built on trust and respect.
Josh Stinson is the author of http://www.perfectpractice.net , and online basketball coaching resource.
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